Skyrim glitches are the best glitches

Now here’s a post that would seem more appropriate for 2012, hmmm? The uniqueness and hilarity of the glitches throughout The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim have been well documented. In fact, I’d say that Skyrim glitch videos are nearly as plentiful as cat videos…and I’d also be exaggerating, because there’s no way in hell that any type of video could ever topple the juggernaut that is the cat video on YouTube. But still, there are a damn lot of videos on YouTube displaying Skyrim’s glitchiness.

As I mentioned last week, I’ve started replaying Skyrim, for reasons. I didn’t mention last week but will say here that not long ago, I wrote this article for Virtual Bastion: “What’s the glitchiest game you’ve ever played?” In it I proclaimed Fallout: New Vegas as my new personal glitchiest winner (eking ahead of Saints Row 2.) That was primarily because I had just completed that game, and it was fresh in mind. But holyshitontoast if Skyrim doesn’t blow New Vegas’s glitches straight outta the irradiated waters of the nuclear apocalypse.

If I had been smart about this, I would have hooked up my capture card to the PS3 and started taking screenshots, at least, from day one. But I’m a dumbass who’s bad about thinking ahead and didn’t feel like rewiring the PS3 to attach the capture card, so there. However, as I said, Skyrim glitch videos are rife on YouTube, so have at.

Not to go off on a weird tangent, but typing “Skyrim glitch” has made me think of “Skyrim-Glitch Mob.” Has anyone remixed the Skyrim soundtrack? Huh. I’m not gonna go…look…

*opens up YouTube tab*

… … …

*three hours later*

Yes. Yes, people have. Wow.

What the hell was I talking about? Whatever it was, I’m sure it was of the utmost importance…

Oh yes, Skyrim’s glitches, and how lazy I am. And how this post is, like, five years overdue. But whatevs. Right.

Also, when did I start using “whatevs” regularly? I just said it the other day, too. That’s got to stop.

Anywaaaay, as sad as it is that I don’t have any pictures to prove what I’m about to say, I think we’ve built up enough trust here over the years. Y’know? Look, to prove it, let’s do a trust fall. Okay, you fall backwards, and I’m going to catch you. Promise.

THWUMP.

Ah shit…yo, fuck, man…I…I’m really sorry bout that. I..it’s just…it’s this cat…he was being sooooo stupid funny in this vid…yo look, watch!…

But how I digress.

What I’m getting at is that I’ve been tallying many of the oddball glitches that I’ve encountered in Skyrim. And the best thing is that they boil down to funny glitches, not game-breaking ones, which is probably one of Bethesda’s MOs, though I’m sure they wish it wasn’t. (Or maybe they relish in it? Based on the fact that such ridiculous glitches are also present in Fallout 4, one has to wonder…)

Without any more further ado, as I have already ado-ed too much already, here’s my list of ten of the most hilarious glitches I’ve encountered so far.

1. Having guards fall from the sky upon entering Dawnstar (has happened multiple times, and it’s never not funny).

2. In the ruins of Mzinchaleft when my companion, the mage Mercurio, got accidentally hoisted up onto a wall of spikes and stayed there, still in his battle poise. When I activated the wall to come down, he remained there, just floating, but so ready for battle.

3. That time when I killed that one dragon at Dragon Bridge, and its skeleton “fell” on top of my horse Shadowmere right where it’s stomach would have been. It looked as if the dragon had eaten the horse.

4. When I killed a cave bear on the top of a mountain outside Winterhold, and it fell down into a nearby cavern. I found said dead bear lying on its back with its four legs pointing straight up into the air. Ridonkulous.

Goddamn, have I got to quit with these dingly dumb words!

Haha…”dingly.” That one just sounds goofy.

*Ahem*

5. Upon first entering Whiterun and having three people approach me, except they all mashed together to form one “person” and were all talking at the same time. Maybe more terrifying than than funny.

6. When stupid Lydia needlessly died fighting a couple of giants outside Dawnstar; I proceeded to run away. I returned to the spot and the giants were retreating but dead Lydia’s corpse had “adhered” to one giant’s club. So terrible…terribly funny!

7. Visiting my favorite blacksmith in Solitude and finding that he had traded his hammer for a broom. Nothing like smithing with a broom. (has happened multiple times).

8. That time I took Cicero out and had to swim out to a ship docked near Solitude. The poor thing kept swimming in circles. Had to reload.

9. Exploring Dragonsreach and watching the jarl walk down a set of stairs and onto the head of a guard standing at the bottom of the stairs. The jarl’s feet and the guard’s head melded into an inhuman form for a brief moment before the jarl “fell” of the guard’s head and went on his merry way.

10. And finally, more floating fun with that dragon I killed in Riften. Upon first doing the deed, its skeleton fell upon one of Riften’s bridges. I left the city and returned a short time later to find the same skeleton hovering above the city’s market stands, kind of like a macabre umbrella.

Oh, how I am enjoying this game (again, for the first time)!

A harrowing week and heeding the call of games…of one game…

Y’know those weeks where all the days seem to mash together into an incoherent pile of work and non-work activities? That was my week last week, and partially this week. I’m not even sure I could describe to someone in words just how bizarrely the days went. Things happened, and I’m still here. That’s about all I know. Sadly, I didn’t blow up any shit on the 4th. In fact, when it came time to, at the very least, watch the local fireworks display, I was pretty much all like “meh, seen it.” I was just too damn tired.

Meanwhile, things are going great with our bathroom renovation, thanks for asking.

*crickets*

Continue reading “A harrowing week and heeding the call of games…of one game…”

Dear cary, (A response from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim)

wpid-Skyrim-Cover.jpg

Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler! You got alotta guts comin’ here after what you pulled.

Hey…hey! No wait, I didn’t…I was just…oh…kidding!  Kidding!  Really!

There now…how’s about a hug?  Just like old times, right?  Yeah. Sorry bout that…what I said there…I just had to…well…you know you, er, we left things.  I  know about that post you wrote; and I know about your resolution.  I was just having a little fun there, y’know?  Okay, okay.  Let’s chat, seriously.  Really, just you and me here talking.

First off — HOORAY, YOU CAME BACK!!  That was pretty awesome! I  mean, after that initial post, I thought you and me might be done; but I still had hope.  And it wasn’t like I’ve bored this whole time.  I had some nice if stolid conversations with Batman. (Arkham Asylum is craaaazzeee!)  And then Spiderman joined the ranks (he really is pretty amazing).  And boy oh boy, how about Sackboy — he’s just a bundle of energy!  So I was plenty entertained.

Continue reading “Dear cary, (A response from The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim)”

Dear Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim,

Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim cover art © Bethesda (source)

Hello Skyrim, it’s me. You might remember me as my character, the brazen Imperial warrior Kallan. Yeah, it’s been quite awhile since we’ve seen each other.  I’ve been…busy, and…I’ve been meaning to—what?

Oh yes, I know where you are.  You’re on “the shelf,” and I see you’ve been pushed over to the far right side to make room for other games, played and unplayed.  There’s a lot of—huh?

Well, thanks…I…I miss you too.  The questing, the hoarding of (useless) stuff, the alchemy, the inns, the bears, and those silly dragons.  We did have some good times didn’t we?

Continue reading “Dear Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim,”