The following post original appeared, in edited form, on Geek Force Network, October 25, 2013. Also reblogged here on October 28, 2013.
After finishing my post from last week, I got it stuck in my head that I should maybe follow up with some sort of post about scary movies. But as I called my own bluff in that post by claiming that I’m not much of a horror movies aficionado, well…that was a dumb thing to do. But the reality is that I’m not, so I don’t even know what I’m complaining about. And even if I had tried to do a post about scary movies, I’d really only have to talk about one. The fucking scariest movie I’ve ever seen:
(P. S. There are spider images ahead, which I can’t even believe I included. Oh, the nightmares I’ll be having…)
Alright, now before you cry foul with your OMGs, LOLs, and WTFs, and go on about how lame this movie is, and how lame spiders are, and how lame I am, just shut the hell up for one thing. Also, let me drill this into your narrow minds – the events that take place in Arachnophobia could really happen.
Oh yeah…you just think about THAT shit for a minute…
I’ll try to keep this low on spoilers, but here’s a quick rundown of the movie for those unchristened. It opens with a new and deadly species of spider being discovered by an expedition team in South America. The single spider found is thought to be unable to reproduce, but…it’s not the only one of its kind. One of the I’ll-mate-with-anything, new, and deadly spiders manages to hitch a ride home to the United States. Meanwhile, a spry, citified doctor played by Jeff Daniels has moved his family, the Jennings, from the bright lights of San Francisco to the idyllic, small town of Canaima, California, where he intends to take over a practice run by a retiree physician. Through the magic of movie plots, that crazy killer of an eight-legged fiend ends up in this same small town, where it sets up shop for good and can choose from any number of young, nubile house spiders with which to mate. As elderly folks in the town mysteriously start dying from what’s chalked up to heart attacks and such, the spiders start to outnumber the people, somebody calls in John Goodman, and hilarity ensues.
Now onto the part about how Arachnophobia could really happen.
One of the more unpleasant things we’ve discovered about our backyard is that spiders love it. They especially love this one section of lawn that sits against our neighbor’s tall, white fence. When you mow that portion of the yard or do anything rustle the grasses there, hundreds of little, black spiders start crawling up the fence. The first time happened, I froze in shock. After making a pass with the mower, the bottom third of the fence was quickly and completely darkened by the little buggers. Now I know to expect it, but that first time was absolutely horrifying. Okay, so maybe the guys in our yard are a tenth of the size of the spiders used in Arachnophobia, but we all know that smaller isn’t always better when it comes to arachnids. The point is, groups of insects and arachnids happen in real life. Large, unexpected, and uncontrollable masses of insects and arachnids. Just look at ants, locusts, monarch butterflies, and cicadas. REAL. LIFE. If those little yard spiders somehow found their way into our house, and I’m sure they could if they wanted to, then we’d have to move. Except…