This month over on United We Game, we’re covering less-than-spectacular games in honor of the now-passed, unofficial holiday, Review a Bad Game Day (August 8th). After doing a bit of soul searching, I wrote about Epic Mickey 2, one of the most unfortunate games I’ve recently played. You can check out my full post here.
Since writing that post however, I haven’t been able to quell the bile that rose while thinking about that game and it’s been making my stomach hurt. So I’m hoping that by unleashing some of the pent up rage in a post here, my innards will once again enter a state of calmness. Warning, things will probably get ugly ahead.
At first I was quite excited with Epic Mickey 2. The game placed you back in Wasteland with basically the same cast as Epic Mickey, only this time Mickey was accompanied by Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, whom he had previously “defeated” and was now his friend. After Wasteland was hit by a series of earthquakes, Mickey and Oswald determined that the Mad Doctor, the antagonist from the previous game, was behind them, and they set off together to defeat him. While Mickey again had the power of paint and thinner, Oswald had a remote that he could use to activate things, as well as special “powers” that Mickey didn’t have, like being able to turn his leg into a boomerang or using his ears to “helicopter” over large gaps. Pretty standard, right?
Some of the levels on Epic Mickey 2 were essentially quake-ridden versions of those in Epic Mickey, which was fine. I liked my first trip through Wasteland, and I was happy to visit it again. Many of the NPCs in the game were the same as those in Epic Mickey, and some of them offered up the same types of side quests, which was fine. I had an okay time with the side quests in Epic Mickey and I didn’t mind completing similar ones again. The painting and thinning mechanics of Epic Mickey working the same, and I was happy to have those at my disposal again. But when it came time to actually play and progress through the game, absolutely none of this made for a happy experience. Why? Because of goddamn Oswald and his sonofabitch remote.
I should reiterate here something from my UWG write-up – I know Epic Mickey 2 is supposed to be a two player game, one player takes Mickey and the other takes Oswald. I chose to play single-player, which was not as heavily advertised as its multiplayer. The game makes it clear that the developers did not put as much thought into the single-player experience. (So I have to ask, why even include it when it was so very shitty? Why not just call it only a two-player game and be done with it? I would have been disappointed, but not as upset as I was upon trying to play the game by myself.)
Epic Mickey 2 was fraught with problems that had nothing to do with Oswald – the wonky camera, odd and difficult level designs, additional “helpful” elements that weren’t. But dealing with Oswald, or rather, the AI that took over Oswald in the single-player experience was the absolute worst.
I really can’t even begin to describe how incredibly useless and annoying AI Oswald was throughout the game. So I’m not going to. Instead, I Gizoolged my UWG post and present the portion about Oswald below. The text and its over-the-top sentiment speaks for itself. Apologies if you find this offensive or juvenile. Frankly, I think this shiznit is hella funny, yo.
But none of dem problems compared ta tha freshest annoyance…Oswald’s AI. If you’re not playin Epic Mickey 2 wit one of mah thugs tha computer takes over Oswald n’ turns his ass tha fuck into a moronic pile of pixels. I loved Oswald all up in tha end of Epic Mickey – da thug was tha dopest son! A couple minutes tha fuck into Epic Mickey 2 n’ I wanted ta throw his ass off a cold-ass lil cliff! He’s just a cold-ass lil clunky, stupid, skankyly coded mess. Durin tha game, there be points where you straight-up need Oswald ta trigger suttin’ wit his bangin remote or help you git over a gap/up ta a ledge/over a obstacle. Usually, dis hit dat shiznit by standin near tha thang, say a electric box, dat needed ta be triggered. Usually. But most of tha time, Oswald just stood off up in tha distizzle not payin any attention ta tha action. I aint talkin’ bout chicken n’ gravy biatch. Yo dawwwwg! HEY! I need you ta open dis door Oswald hommie biaaatch! Hey!! C’MON! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING??!! Dude wasn’t. I run ta him, n’ then I run back ta tha electric box. Then I run back ta his ass n’ hit him, n’ he gets all indignant wit a snappy remark, n’ I run back ta tha box, n’ Oswald STILL JUST STANDS THERE WHISTLING A HAPPY TUNE fo’ realz. AAARRRGGGHH!! And before I know it, I throw mah controlla all up in tha wall up in frustration cuz a task dat should take secondz takes way too long. Or worse, doesn’t happen at all fo’ realz. And then I start sobbin cuz mah controlla is embedded up in tha drywall n’ I realize dat a probably need therapy, all cuz of a AI dat just don’t KNOW dat I NEEDED ta open a thugged-out door ta git ta tha next part of tha level. [sob sob sniff]. Yeah, props Oswald. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! The Trix rabbit would done been mo’ useful.
I needed that laugh, fo’ realz, y’all. I feel much better.
In the end, Epic Mickey 2 is — and I really hate to say it because I love me some Disney — a nearly worthless single-player game. I’ve seen enough of its multiplayer videos to know that it works well enough as a two-payer game, but I don’t even think I’d want to play this game with my best friend or my worst enemy. I’d love to see Mickey and Oswald together in a better game, but thankfully there aren’t any plans to make a sequel to this pile of crap. Good thing I’ll always have fonder memories of Epic Mickey.